Foster Care Fridays: The Lingo and Resources

So there are a whole lot of terms in the foster care and adoption world.  One of the things that PCHAS introduced in their first Meet and Greet night are examples of positive language vs negative language in this realm.  And I thought some of the examples they gave were very good.  So I asked them to share their list with me so I could share it here and they graciously obliged :)  So I thought I'd pass along some of them

POSITIVE LANGUAGE                                            NEGATIVE LANGUAGE

Birthparent........................................................................Real Parent 

Biological Parent............................................................Natural Parent 

Birth Child.........................................................................Own Child 

My Child......................................................Adopted Child; Own Child 

Born to Unmarried Parents..................................................Illegitimate 

Terminate Parental Rights.......................................................Give Up 

Make an Adoption Plan.........................................................Give Away 

To Parent................................................................................To Keep 

Waiting Child......................................Adoptable Child; Available Child 

Parent..........................................................................Adoptive Parent 

International Adoption................................................Foreign Adoption 

Child Placed for Adoption..............................................Unwanted Child

Court Termination......................................................Child Taken Away

Child With Special Needs...........................................Handicapped Child

Was Adopted.......................................................................   Is Adopted

This list is not to make people feel bad if they use the terms on the right, I think we all at some point in our lives have referred to different cases in those terms.  And they aren't necessarily wrong, but there are better ways to say them.  This whole process is very emotional and there are a lot of emotions attached to some of these words.  Who ever would want to be known as someone who was "given away?"  What child wants to live in a family where there is a distinction between parents' "own children" and their "foster children?"  They are all our kids, even if they aren't permanently ours, and we plan to try our hardest to never introduce them as our foster children but just as our children or by their names.  I've read a lot about the terminology of "is adopted" vs "was adopted" which again can seem to be mincing words, but one feels like it's a constant need to earn approval and adoption and one is the idea that this is permanent and forever, it happened and nothing will ever change the child's place in the family.  I don't put any of this out there to be petty, but I think it's important for us to think about the value we're placing on people by how we describe them.  I wrote a post several years ago about People First Language and all that I've learned in my job about how we describe people with disabilities.  Again, it may seem petty, but the way we describe people can be hurtful even when we don't mean it to be.  And as an advocate for these kiddos I want to use positive language to describe their case, their parents, and their place in our family as much as I possibly can, so I wanted to share the information with our people in case you want to do the same.

I also wanted to share some of the books I've read in the past year or so as we've been exploring this world a little more in case people are interested in checking any of them out.

I mentioned last week that one of the most influential books I read this year was  One: Impossible Starts Here by Suzanne Myernick and Gwen Oatsvall.  Between these two authors and their families they have adopted several children both domestically and internationally and they share about their family's journeys into this world and what they've learned through it.  They also have an organization called  147 Million Orphans where they provide ongoing support to other countries in a variety of ways.

Last year I read several books by foster parents that just talk about their experiences.  The first was Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison (also the author of One Small Boat).  I wrote about this book in my book reviews for last year, but if you want to a glimpse into the lives of foster parents this one is pretty good.  I've also checked out several books from the library by Cathy Glass.  She is a foster parent in the UK and has written several books about her experiences.  

One of the books I read earlier this year was Adopting the Father's Heart by Kenneth Camp.  I took away a lot of quotes from that book that I really liked and it was good to hear their story in the foster care world.

In May, David and I read through Ready or Not: 30 Days of Discovery for Foster & Adoptive Parents by Pam Parish together.  It walked through lots of different verses and devotionals about foster care and gave specific ways to pray each day.  It was a good way for us to talk through a lot of those things as we prepared to begin the application process.

The most recent book I read was Orphan Justice: How to Care for Orphans Beyond Adopting by Johnny Carr.  In fact, I just finished it this morning.  I didn't agree with all of his points, but I thought he at least brought up a lot of interesting things about the connection between orphan care a whole lot of other realms  of social justice (Human Trafficking, AIDS and HIV, Racial Relations, etc.).  If nothing else, it gets you thinking about how the church responds to a lot of different things that can all be tied back to orphan care.  Oddly enough, his chapter on foster care was probably my least favorite, most likely because I've read so many other things and the way he portrayed a few things I wasn't a huge fan of.  Again, I didn't necessarily agree with everything he said, but I felt like he gave a comprehensive look at ways that the church can be involved in orphan care beyond just adopting.  

All of these books I either own (paperback version or on my Kindle with the ability to loan them out) or I checked out from the library if anybody wants to look into them.